Diary of a First Time Mom

Archive for the ‘Hormones’ Category

I have officially become the victim of what I had always heard would eventually happen. Women, usually older women, keep telling me to really enjoy my pregnancy and how it was the best time of their lives. They speak of how their hair, skin and nails were never as good as when they were pregnant. They tell me they never felt better! I usually smile. Through clenched teeth. Not because I was annoyed. But because I was walking around feeling perpetually nauseous.

And now it has happened to me. And I am not complaining! But I feel… good! In fact, I had almost completely forgotten all the strange and unusual side-effects of the first trimester, until last night, as I was drifting off, it all came back to me.

In case I did not properly chronicle it in a prior post, here are some of the things that came up during my first three months of pregnancy (in no particular order):

• Nausea – really bad nausea.
• Skin rash across my whole face, probably due to the floods of hormones.  My skin literally went “AHHHHHHHHHH!” and broke out from forehead to chin.
• The need to have something in my stomach at all times.  ALL times.  It was especially strange how much relief one little cracker and a glass of water could bring.
• Emotional outbursts.  More than the usual…
• Feeling miserable, mentally.  Almost like a mild depression.  I actually wonder if this is due to the amount of vitamins that were being used for the baby and I had not caught up by taking enough for me too.
• Fatigue.  As in sudden whole body shut down.  One time, I was folding laundry and had two more sheets to fold.  You know how when you are folding sheets by yourself, you hold your arms up high and grab the corners?  I literally could not lift my arms.  I had to drop the sheets where I stood, and lay down.  I think I passed out for about two hours.
• Food aversions / cravings.  Bananas were my best friend.  I ate one right before bed and then in the middle of the night.  Suddenly, bananas made me sick.  Even the mention of them set me off into a serious case of the burps.  Scott loved the power, and would frequently whisper “ba-na-nas” in my ear, and then laugh as I would burp for the next five minutes.  Yuck.
• Hating food.  It was such a chore to eat.  Nothing tasted good.  But it was a necessity.

I am sure there are others, but these are the only ones I can think of now.  And for how long?  Sneaky Nature has already started flooding my brain with the happy hormones and I am starting to feel really great!  I went on a Subway kick.  Got my hair done.  Cleaned out my office.  Sold a bunch of stuff on eBay.  And started to eat for pleasure again.

But I wanted to log my observations (not complaints!) of the first trimester, before the second really kicks in, I get my serious energy boost and Nature sends a Will Smith-esque guy to my door to flash the bad memories away.  Tricky Nature.  I’m on to you…

As the days and weeks go by, I find myself gradually getting used to the take-over that is occurring in my body. I even got to the point yesterday where I thought that I must have my hormones under control, as I have been feeling really good and balanced lately. That was mistake number 1. The pregnancy gods do not miss a beat and by yesterday evening, it was return to crazy-ville.

Basically I had decided to read instead of watching tv yesterday evening, as tv is starting to make me annoyed and is generally quite negative (except for the Dog Whisperer. I love that show!). So I decided to read some pregnancy books. I am beginning to wonder if this is a good idea. These books seem to be written by women who have insensitive and unsupportive husbands and as I read further I find myself getting annoyed at Scott, who by the way, is quite sensitive and extremely supportive. I got to the part where one woman wrote that husbands who attend every doctor’s appointment “obviously have too much free time.” Ok, so this was written by a woman who’s husband did not attend appointments with her. So I really should have put the book down and turned the tv on. But no, I read further.

Switching gears, I picked up a book that describes all the phases of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. (Repeat after me: Must remember this is only one person’s opinion. Must remember this is only one person’s opinion. Must remember this is only one person’s opinion…)

I used to like horror movies. A lot. Out of context for this blog, you say? Not at all because the same part of me that wants to look when I know I shouldn’t, decided to turn to the -things they don’t tell you about what happens to your body AFTER childbirth- section.

In hindsight, a book that says that pretty much everything will be ok, would not sell that many copies. But at the time, I simply devoured page after horrifying page of stories of women with parts falling out of their body and… well, I will spare you the gory details.

Now I am border-line hysterical. Perfect timing for Scott to come home from a long day of work. I somehow managed to internalize the whole thing until after dinner when I (seemingly randomly to Scott) began to rant about how I-WILL-NEVER-BE-THE-SAME-AGAIN after this experience. And I’m talking physically. Remembering the Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre-like descriptions written by “well meaning” women, I actually said the unthinkable. I said out loud that I had the thought that maybe we should have just adopted.

That’s the point where my brain went quiet. Should have been a hallelujah moment, however it just seemed such a horribly inappropriate thing to say that time seemed to stop. These are not things pregnant women should think much less say. We are supposed to suffer through with a smile on our faces, talking of the joy of the miracle. And to be honest, that really is how I feel 95% of the time. But the title of this post is “Honestly Speaking…” and so I am sharing my honest thoughts. Not just the good, fun or funny stuff.

I suppose I had to say it out loud to get it out of my head. And once out, I realized how completely opposite that thought was to how I really felt, that it was almost a relief. I was reminded of a sticker my Mom’s friend, Meta, gave me that says “You Don’t Have To Believe Everything You Think.” At the time, I really did not understand what it meant, but it always had a prominent place in my offices over the years and eventually I came to the realization that my thoughts are not who I am. I think my thoughts. My thoughts do not “think” me. But every now and then one pops in that sounds like me but really isn’t. It’s the stress, or the hunger, or the hormones… And it is at these times that it is of most importance to have someone who really knows you to talk to.

So the night went on. I spent time thinking about the baby and how grateful I am for him or her and how amazing our life will be once they arrive. Because it’s already a pretty amazing life, but I just know this kid is going to be pretty cool.

This morning, I received an email from my friend Laura (who has three beautiful girls) in Ireland. At the end of the email she gave me these words:

“In relation to child birth, I have one piece of advice….. get your hair done before you go in to have the baby!!! Or you will have to look at photos of you and your beautiful new born for the rest of your life going, “God will you look at my hair!!!” I learned this the hard way!!! Other than that, wing it!!!”

Now that is a woman with priorities! And it is possibly the best advise I have received so far. Thanks Law!

So for now, I have shelfed the pregnancy books and will plan my hair appointments accordingly.

A lot of people have been asking me about strange cravings or weird “side-effects”.  I can’t say I have any real unusual cravings.  Except that I am eating a LOT of meat.  To the point where I am looking at becoming vegetarian again next year.  Even if it is just for a week.  Oh, and maybe a juice fast too!  The amount of meat I am eating right now is more than I ever have.  And I attribute this to the amount of protein (cell builders) that I require right now.  There are many articles and books out there for pregnant vegetarians, but to be honest, it seems like a lot of work (and beans) and right now I am lucky if I have time to put peanut butter on toast before I pass out of hunger (7 grams of protein per serving!).

So not really a lot to do with cravings.  Though it seems like I am consistently inconsistent when it comes to food.  I crave sweets, but now my teeth hurt (gum sensitivity is not uncommon) every time I eat them.  So I eat M&M fast…  crunch crunch ow ow crunch mmmm….  I used to eat a banana every night before bed and then sometimes at 3 or 4 in the morning if I woke up hungry.  Then I went through a period of hating bananas.  Every time I thought of them I burped and felt sick.  Oh Scott loved the power.  We’d be sitting watching tv and he would randomly lean over and say very sweetly ‘ba-na-na’…  Bleeeech!

The mood swings seem to be settling down too.  Either that or I am consistently moody.  With no swings.  In the first few weeks, I could only describe it as feeling like floods of hormones were washing through my brain.  I would spend a moment or two observing how something was changing.  Then I would become a monster.  Once Jekyll calmed down, I could reflect on what happened.

On one night in particular, Scott returned home from work at 12:30am.  I was in bed.  Miserable.  (This is before I knew to never let my stomach become empty.)  I had gone to bed hungry and feeling nauseous.  (I also did not know that eating a little something, no matter how nauseous I felt, would make the sick feeling go away.)  Scott made me get up and suggested I have a banana.  (Thus the beginning of the -banana before bed- routine.)  I was half-asleep, starving, nauseous, and really (really) emotional.  So now I would like to paint a picture for you…  Imagine I am standing in my kitchen in pajamas, stuffing pieces of banana into my mouth, trying not to throw up, and crying while saying (with a full mouth of banana) “I… don’t… know… what’s… wrong… with… me…”

Scott stood in the kitchen saying nothing, probably in shock.  As I ate a few bites, I started to feel better (and wake up) and started to realize I was still crying and eating and talking at the same time.  Then I started to laugh.  Now I’m laughing, crying, eating, holding back from puking while wailing “I’m a cliche!”.  Scott lost it at this point.  Lucky for him it was an acceptable time to laugh.

It’s always a great thing to be out of your mind with emotion, and then suddenly realize you are observing yourself have the experience.  Then you become the observer of the experience and not the experience itself.  Not always possible, but I have lots of opportunities to practice.

Luckily, things seems to be getting easier.  I imagine in about two weeks I will start pulling things out of closets and go on a major clean-frenzy.  We’ll see…