Diary of a First Time Mom

Posts Tagged ‘moods’

Well I don’t even remember how many days it has been since we started the E.A.S.Y schedule.  My time is measured in clusters of hours right now, and not days.  But the schedule thing seems to be working out quite well.  We adjusted it a bit to suit us, as there were too many back-to-back feedings at the end of the day, and I found I was getting stressed and even dreading 4pm when I would have 4 feeds, 2 hours apart.  Too much!  The poor kid never got time to nap.  And the thing is, he was a good sleeper even before we started the Baby Whisperer’s techniques!  So Scott and I were like, why are we messing with something that’s not broken?!

The reason I started it was because I had read that if babies wake up in the night, they did not get enough to eat in the day.  Should have kept reading, as it went on to say that up until 6 or 8 weeks, their little tummies are not big enough to hold enough milk to last them through the night.  So they wake up around 2-3am and then again at 4-6am.  Wyatt was waking up at 3:30 am every night, and then again at 6:30 am or 7am.  Gah!  We had it good BEFORE E.A.S.Y.!  The one thing it has helped is his sleep patterns.  We now have a sleep routine!  So after his activity time, we sit quietly and transition to a more relaxed state, and then I lay him down and kiss him goodnight.  Sometimes he fusses, and I can settle him.  Sometime I can’t settle him at all.  Sometimes he’s out like a light.  But what I have learned is it is always different and always changing.  And we roll with it.

So.  Now that has settled down, I have decided to take on the next challenge.  People who don’t want to read about breast feeding, stop here.  I promise not to get too graphic.  And no, there will be no photos, so don’t even ask…

At the hospital, we had a hard time with “latch-on” (getting Wyatt to breast feed).  So they gave us a plastic shield to put over the nipple and make it easier for him and me.  This was a great thing as I already stressed about being a “bad mom” by not getting enough food to my baby.  He was jaundiced and not peeing, and you may recall we had to do an ultrasound to check his kidneys, and on and on it went.  So we went home and continued to use this shield.  What I did not know, and learned very quickly, is that any pattern you start out, takes time to change.  That combined with giving Wyatt 1-2 bottles of pumped milk each day (to give me a break and allow Dad and Grandmas to get a chance to feed him as well) made it harder to eventually teach him to latch-on properly.  All these weeks I have been ignoring this fact, as we had other things to deal with, like my healing and getting him into a routine.

So now comes the time to get him to attach to the boob sans plastic.  And he doesn’t want to.  I will go off on a tangent here and say that when he cries, my perception of time changes.  I found out one day, after finally getting him settled, that he had really only been crying for 5 minutes.  Five  minutes!?!  How could that be?  It felt like hours!  (Probably doesn’t help that nature has it setup to make me want to cry when I hear him cry…  but I digress).  So I decided it was time to wean him off the plastic nipple shield.  The timing must have been good, because around the same time, he started resisting it, wiggling and knocking it off with his hands.

Here is the timeline of events:

I decide to wean him off the shield.
I try at our next feed.  No dice.  He screams.  I use the shield.  I feel crap about it.
I try at the next feed.  Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
I try at the next feed.  He latches to me.  Victory!  It lasts about 30 seconds.  I use the shield.  I feel crap about it.

Again, in the spirit of full disclosure (I stated earlier in this blog that I would aim to be as honest about this as I can), I cried each time it didn’t work.  Each time I cried, it probably only lasted about 5 minutes.  But it seemed longer.

So that was yesterday.

This morning at his first feed, we tried again without luck.  I fed the whole time with the shield and actually had the words go through my mind “I hate this shield.”  I’m pretty sure that was a crappy meal for  Wyatt.  I know what stress and food combined can do to the body.  No bueno.

The next feed was a little better, in that he latched on for a minute or so before freaking out.  Scott suggested I feed him long before he is due to make sure he is not starving when we try to learn something new.  This is a good idea!

So I went to shower and get ready for the day.  I had to come to terms with the idea that I may not be able to do this, and I found it very upsetting.  But I had a feeling that I could make it work.  And gave myself a pep talk.

The thing is, my mind can be a very destructive thing.  It says things like -I’m a bad mom. -I can’t do this. -It will never work. -I’m starving and stressing out  my kid.  And all the while, it pretends to be me.  Making this realization, I decided to ignore these thoughts.  Long ago, I had been given a sticker that says “You don’t have to believe everything you think.” and for the longest time I did not know what it meant.  I do now.

And we tried again.  And it didn’t work.  So we gave him 4 ounces of pumped milk (his usual bottle is 3 oz).  And he was quiet and happy and playing.  Then something happened.  A voice said to me to try again.  Not the same ‘voice in the head’ that tells me I am not good enough.  This was a voice that seemed to come from my solar plexus region.  My gut instinct, maybe?  Try again, it said.  I dismissed this thought as he just ate and could not possibly still be hungry.

TRY again.

I paused.  Considered the source.  And tried again.  And would you believe it…  it worked!  He latched on properly and fed with no assistance!  For ten minutes.  Hey, good enough for me!  Then it was time for his nap.  And so I decided to feed him two hours apart (instead of three) to make sure he was in a better mood to ‘try something new’.  I woke him up an hour before he was due for his next meal, and after several attempts, he latched on again!

Since then, each time it has been easier and easier.  I know now that every time will be different.  And even when we think, we ‘got it’ there will be setbacks.  And new patterns.  Or he will change his mind.  But the biggest thing I realized is that regardless of what happens, I am a good mom.  It does not matter if I can breastfeed or not.  As long as I do my best by my child.

I think I will attempt to stop beating myself up over every little thing now, and go and enjoy spending time with my baby.

PS:  BIG BIG thanks to all my girlfriends who have given me tonnes of support and advise.  No woman is an island, and it is wonderful to know that support is out there!  xoxo

As we are winding down the last few weeks, it seems like there is more and more that needs to be done, and less energy to do it.  This was a problem when I was not sleeping so well and awake every 90 minutes.  Apparently sleeping on one side for more than an hour when you are seven months pregnant causes some discomfort.  Luckily I have two sides!  Unfortunately it seems to take me an hour to flip over…  Oh well.

What has really helped is walking.  I was concerned about walking because the Dude is getting so heavy that all the ligaments and stuff are pulling and causing some strain.  But from what I can tell, walking strengthens all these muscles and I really do feel better afterwards.  Milhouse likes it too!

Add in these new breathing techniques / meditations that I am doing and I actually am finding that I can sleep for about 4 uninterrupted hours!  I have been reading Calm Birth by Robert Newman.  It is interesting because I don’t really even remember buying the book, but there it was on my shelf.  Calm Birth goes into the history of women healers and really emphasizes the innate wisdom we have within ourselves and that by tapping into this wisdom, we have all the solutions for any problem.  It talks about separating the ideas of pain and fear.  And how fear of pain can be much worse than pain itself.  Pain lives in the present moment.  Fear depends on your projection into the future of what “might be” to survive.  All this I find fascinating, and look forward to putting into practice in a few weeks.

I also am surprised to be reading a birthing book written by a man.  But I guess Lamaze and Bradley were men too.  So why not?

The book recommends buying the companion audio cd.  You don’t have to as the book contains the guided meditations in written form, but I prefer to sit and listen, plus it is accompanied by nice music.  There are three meditations on the cd and the purpose is varied.  So far we have listened to the first one that works on relaxing the body and connecting with the Dude.  Pretty neat stuff, only we keep falling sleep half way through!  But still, it must be working…  I am however reminded of Chandler’s ‘quit-smoking’ tapes he played while sleeping, in one Friends episode.  ”You are a strong and beautiful woman…”  Still makes me chuckle.

The combination of listening to the cd and having walked seems to be the perfect ingredients to a good night’s sleep!  Let’s hope this continues!

So my big solution to “food depression” (aka – getting so hungry that I cannot eat) is to shop ahead and make a bunch of meals.  Makes sense, right?  From the very beginning, the baby made it clear that protein was a must and sugar was not really appreciated.  It did so by giving me the shakes until I ate a piece of meat or cheese, and making my gums so sensitive that any sugary item that came in contact with them would send shooting pain into my head, similar to having a cavity drilled with no pain medication.So I listen, and adapt, and repeat.

This week I did a big shop at Whole Foods and made a big lasagna, bought ground beef for burgers as well as a $14 organic whole chicken to roast last night.  Yum, right?  Well, I pulled out the chicken last night and unwrapped it to rinse it off and prepare it for it’s 90 minutes in the sauna.  Turns out, baby does not like chicken.  (Sidenote:  I am eating a grilled cheese sandwich as I type this, and am concerned it might come up on me as I am having flash backs of the chicken episode just by writing about it…)

After gagging over the sink, I wondered if it was off.  So I dressed it anyway, put it in the fridge and had Scott smell it when he came home.  He said it smelled fine, so I put it in the oven.  At about the half-way point, I thought I would check on it to see if the cooking of chicken smelled better than raw.  A logical decision.  Turns out, it was not.  Gagging continued.  I began to wonder if this is how vegetarians feel when they smell raw or cooking meat.  If so, I apologize to any who have been here when we have been barbecuing.

The end result was not much better.  I cooled and wrapped the chicken and put it in the fridge.  Scott said he will pick it apart tomorrow so at least it won’t go to waste.  But seriously, I can still smell that sick, raw flesh in my nose when I think about it.  Of course, I asked for this, because I was initially disgusted at the amount of meat I was eating and repeatedly said that I can’t wait to eat vegetarian again, even if it is just for a week or so.  Ta da!

The good news is that I like vegetables again.  So that seems fair.  Time to start planning all over again.

So instead of a chicken dinner, I had a bowl of cereal for dinner.  It was actually pretty good.  And I was able to get to sleep quite easily.

Until 4am.  When a lone cicada, directly outside my window, decided to start chirping loudly.  You would think I would be able to block it out but I also woke up with a headache (waa waa, I know) and so this sound was splitting my head in two.  I must have complained externally, as Scott woke up and offered to go out and kill “Jiminy” for me.  But I said no.  All those Disney movies made me feel guilty.  So I took his second suggestion, and moved to the spare bedroom.  Man, that bed is comfy!  And that is where the strange dreams began…

One dream had something to do with my iPhone and losing all the info on it, but I think that may be due to the fact I was debating downloading the latest update…  But still haven’t.  In the next dream, I looked in the mirror to discover I was missing three teeth!  But then remembered I was dreaming and looked again to find one had returned.  So it was just a matter of time…

The only other dream I remember was to do with finding a turtle upside-down in our garage.  I took him outside and was feeding him lettuce and other greens.  And it was raining.  Strange since it has been a while since we have had any rain.  Plus it’s in the 100s F here right now.

So there you have it.  I’m off to wash some veggies…

Being pregnant is like suddenly being a new member in a long-standing secret-society. Other pregnant women and especially moms with kids give you the nod while shopping or walking in the parking lot.

The other day, I was especially moody (because I had not planned well and had no food at home and so had to SHOP for food before being able to eat). I got my groceries and then stopped at the library on the way home. The librarian asked me if I was having a baby and I said yes. She knows both Scott and I and so was very excited. I am normally quite excited but on this day I was kind of in a mood. When her enthusiasm was not met, she asked if we were excited and I said yes. The she asked how I was feeling.

Note to readers: When asking a pregnant woman how she feels, be prepared to get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There is no “Fine, thanks. How are you?” in our vocabulary anymore.

My response. “Today I am grumpy.” Another woman checking books out next to me with two small children snorted lightly and sent me a little smile and a knowing glance. The librarian said “Don’t worry. Months four, five and six are great.” My response was “So I hear.” Then she said “But in the last three you will be grumpy again.” So I hear…

While browsing the two or three racks of maternity clothes at Target, I got to listen to two pregnant women’s conversation. I have long known that women’s bathrooms are a great source of entertainment when it comes to eavesdropping, especially in drinking establishments, however I think I have found a new source.

The women were on the other side of the racks from me. One woman was taking the other through the clothes and telling her all the good and bad attributes. “Now this one…” she started before the other woman said that it looked very see-through. “It IS completely see-through. Wear something underneath.” I chuckled as I had considered that shirt too. She went on to describe each top as too short, too tight, or whatever. She said that the maternity section was mixed in with the plus sizes to which the other woman responded that “that’s not nice at all!”.

Yup, I felt part of the crowd. But then I went around the other side of the rack to see that the alpha-mom was HUGE! She must have been 8+ months and quite big. I suddenly had a strange feeling of inferiority come over me, and my little belly bump is only starting to protrude. I felt like I had not yet graduated to full-blown pregnancy yet. And as I examined my feelings, I found it quite interesting that the size of a woman’s pregnant belly seemed to lend authority to her. I wondered then, if that’s how men feel in the locker room…